http://beta.tidaltv.com/

It took me over a month of research to find this. I have been watching National Geographics, FoodTV, and Discovery Channel+ online today. It seems to work pretty well, but has a periodic annoying ad that has to be clicked off.

Current Mood: accomplished

We had originally planned to go to the aquarium today. I should have known that 2:00 would be impossible for her. She has been late 4 out of 5 times. I have never once met her before 6PM. We had dinner tonight, but it was at 7:30, 5 and a half hours later than we originally planned to get together. Her initial excuse was that she had to go get medication from her doctor and walk her dog, but she gave me this excuse at 1PM and she was already at the doctor's office.

At 2PM, she informed me that she was at home, but she told me that I shouldn't leave home yet, because she had things to do to get ready. She said she would call me when she was ready to leave. She did not contact me again until 4PM. Before reading her email, I already knew that the visit to the aquarium had to be canceled, because the aquarium closes at 5 and it would take her an hour to get there. She said that she could meet for dinner, but she wanted it to be at the latest possible time. I asked her if 7:30 would be OK and she agreed to it.

I arrived a little early, but I didn't contact her until 7:30. I had a feeling that she would be late and I was right. She was still at home and left immediately after I contacted her. It's only a 10 minutes walk from her home, but I still think it's inconsiderate to make me wait under such circumstances. I am fairly certain that she would have made me wait much longer if I had not contacted her.

The dinner was good. There was a Greek festival in her neighborhood and she invited me to go take a look. We sat at a table across the street from the entrance to her apartment building and listened to Greek music. I was expecting her to invite me to go to her apartment as she had done twice before, but she didn't. She mentioned a computer problem which I offered to fix, but she told me that her place was too messy to let me see it. She invited me to come over tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I want to.

The energy was awkward after that. I started becoming very quiet as I analyzed the situation. I think that she noticed and walked me to the train station. We lingered for a moment before parting. I did not kiss her. The energy was just too awkward for a kiss at that moment. It seemed like it would have been too perfunctory.

During the train ride, I felt a strong uncomfortable sensation inside of me. I didn't realize at first what it was, but I eventually realized that it was the physiological sensation of deep sadness. It was odd to feel this in my body without the corresponding sensation in my mind. Despite her offer to meet at her place tomorrow, something in me knew that it was probably over. Upon arriving at home, I found an email from her. It was clear that she was contemplating an end to our "relationship", but it was also clear that she was making an attempt to make it work. I wonder if things will be over if I don't visit her tomorrow.

Current Mood: morose

R2 has been back in New York since Friday. We have exchanged several messages every day since her return, but we didn't make any arrangements to get together until today. I had asked her yesterday if she would like to get together, but she replied to the rest of the messages while ignoring that question. I found that omission odd, because it wouldn't make sense for her to resume communication if she really didn't want to see me again. She replied separately to that question today.

We are planning to go to the aquarium on Friday. We will go to Jill's Cafe for dinner afterwards. This is significant, because they serve "health food", which is not what she typically eats, but I do. I have been eating "ordinary" food with her every time we got together.

Current Mood: complacent

One of my residential customers just called me and asked me to meet the owner of his company. I have been in this type of situation many times before. This usually leads to freelance work with a corporate client, but this time, it's not a small business. It seems that this is a fairly large fashion business with 6 locations. If they just wanted a little work done in their New York office, that should not require meeting the owner. This could be interesting.

Current Mood: curious

She did not contact me at all yesterday. That was what I fully expected. I was surprised to get a message from her today. It was about a horse that we briefly discussed on Tuesday. She could have easily disappeared forever, but it looks like that might not be her intent. Maybe her vacation stories were true and she just didn't want things to become too serious right before leaving for a while. I'm not really sure what to think about this.

Current Mood: confused

I got the impression that she was trying to make me lose interest. She didn't shower or brush her teeth before I arrived. Despite being 7PM, I could smell her "morning breath". The physical intimacy from Saturday was entirely absent. There was a goodnight kiss and tongue was involved, but she kept her body away and her hands did not touch me. I could see from her body language that she was keeping her emotional distance.

The worst part is that she told me she will be away for a whole month. This is after recently telling me that her trip to Africa is being postponed. She had previously told me that she would be going to visit her cousin, but she originally told me that it would only be for a week. Today, she first told me that it would be for a month. She later said "as long as I could tolerate".

We never really had much in common anyway, but it was fun being together, at least for me. She has stated a number of times that her primary interest in me is physical. Maybe she decided to end this upon realizing that I was interested in something more. I get the feeling that I will never see her again. If she doesn't contact me by next week, I'm going to assume that it's over.

Current Mood: pessimistic

R2. canceled dinner tonight, but says she will be joining us for the meetup at 8. She told me that she got up really late, but she called at 4:30, which ought to give her plenty of time to get ready. I am fairly certain that she will eat something somewhere prior to the meetup, but she seems to have decided to no do that with me. She had previously invited me to hang out with her prior to dinner, but that has been implicitly canceled too.

I suspect that there is something that she isn't telling me. She originally was quite enthusiastic about getting together for dinner when it was planned for just the two of us. She started acting strange when I asked if she would like to have dinner with a few other people. The odd thing is that she seemed more troubled by a change in plans than by not being alone together. She repeatedly evaded acceptance of the revised plans before finally accepting and now she has unexpectedly canceled. I have no idea what is going on here, but it will be a very bad sign if she also doesn't come to the meetup.

Current Mood: confused

"Tomorrow" apparently meant 4/11 and not 4/12. She had sent that email at 1:16AM on 4/11 and I misunderstood her meaning. Upon realizing this, I hurriedly made some adjustments in my schedule and went to meet her at Cosi.

We had a great conversation for half an hour. Then the MLM topic came up again. I knew that it was a two day event, but I didn't know her degree of involvement and I didn't know that she would also be going there tonight. She invited me to join her and I agreed to go.

The event was what I had expected. It was the first and probably only time I will ever be in a Masonic Hall. I noticed the artificial echo that they put into the audio system. I wonder if that helps with the brainwashing.

We had dinner afterwards and I had a chance to hang out with some of her friends and a new recruit. Dinner was great and we didn't talk about the MLM much. Before leaving, she told me that she only talks to interesting people and that she doesn't need for me to join the program. She kissed me on the cheek and said "thanks for coming." I still don't trust her, but I will maintain contact if she is willing to do the same.

Current Mood: skeptical

I sent M. an email yesterday to inform her that I won't be going to the event on 4/12. I didn't really expect her to reply, because she had not replied to an earlier message and she didn't initiate any contact despite having my email address. I was quite surprised to get her reply this morning.

She had been busy with a family crisis. She asked me if I want to go have coffee with her tomorrow instead of going to the MLM event and she left her phone number. I will call her after I prepare myself.

Current Mood: excited

February 3, 2008 is now officially the worst day of my life.

My father died at 3:30AM. I was talking with Rebecca when I got the call. She was the first person I informed, even before my mother. Despite knowing about my father's death, Rebecca went on a date with a new guy and had enough fun to decide that this one should be her boyfriend. She made a "connection" with him "on several levels" after just a few hours together at the park. Part of me is glad that she didn't care enough for her mood to be affected. It makes it easier to let go.

I also only had four hours of sleep and had to get up extra early, but the distress of that pales in comparison to the loss of my father and Rebecca on the same day. Goodbye to both of you.

Current Mood: discontent